How To Love Difficult People and People Who Have Hurt You

Rev. Marcel Divine Emeka Okwara

On Holy Thursday, at the Last Supper, Jesus gave his first disciples and those of us who would later believe in his teaching a new commandment: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.” He also added, “This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” But why did Jesus call his command to love a new commandment? Does the commandment to love not appear in the Old Testament? Do other world religions not command their adherents to love?  Surely, the command to love others can be found in the Old Testament and in other religions, but the difference is this, none of those calls to love others is based on anyone. Buddha never asked his adherents to love others as he has loved. Muhammad never instructed anyone to love as he has loved. Confucius did not tell his followers to love as he has loved. Laozi the founder of Taoism never asked anyone to love as he has loved. Only Jesus did! In Jesus and through Jesus, love became concrete and real. Jesus defines and demonstrates the true meaning of love, sets a new standard and also raises the bar of love. For him, love is no longer based on how much you love yourself. The old commandment was to love your neighbor as you love yourself; however, the new one, set by Jesus, demonstrated by Jesus, exemplified by Jesus, led by example by Jesus is to love as he Jesus has loved us. If you are asking the question, “How did Jesus love us?” take a look at the cross. Buddha, Muhammad, Confucius, Laozi etc. none of them died for the redemption of the world. Only Jesus did! That is why his command to love others is a new commandment. It is no longer a general call or an empty call that sounds nice and romantic. It is no longer based on how much you love yourself or how much you love Jesus. It is rather based on how much Jesus loves us. True love is sacrificial. Jesus invites us to love until it hurts. 

Jesus also wants his disciples to be known, recognized and identified as his disciples not simply because they go to Church often, (even though it is good to go to church) or have the appearance of being religious. The world should know you as a disciple of Christ Jesus not because you have a rosary or scapular or cross around your neck, but because you are a person of true love. Do not get me wrong! Nothing is wrong with wearing those sacramentals. I actually encourage Catholic Christians to have the crucifix, pictures of Jesus, Mary, and other holy persons on display at the walls of their homes. When they are blessed by a priest, they can ward off evil spirits. But our discipleship should go beyond all that. Be known as Jesus’ friend not because you carry a bible around but because you carry love around. Be known for love! Love should be the identity of all Christians. So, if you want others to identify you, know your faith, just love as Jesus loved. 

Now, when you hear the word “love,” what comes to your mind? Most of us think of our spouses, children, family, siblings, friends, good neighbors, and some of their colleagues at work that they have a good relationship with. We think of people who are easy to love, because they love us back. In the Gospel of Luke 6:32 Jesus says “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.” In the same Gospel, Jesus challenges his followers: “Love your enemies and do good to them” (Luke 6:35). It is not enough to love the people that are easy to love; we are also called to love those who are difficult to love, that is the unlovables. But how? How do we love those that we deeply resent? How do I love someone that has hurt me—whose lies cost me my job, my relationship, my marriage, my business? How do I love someone who raped me, put me in a family way, and inflicted me with STD? How do I love someone who has been so mean to me and who wants me dead? When I see him or her do I just pretend that all is well? Do I fake my love for them? 

Honestly, it is very difficult to love people who have done any of these or other harms to you. But I want to encourage you to try. Take a page out of Jesus’ book. Learn from him. Do not go through the rest of your life in anger, bitterness and resentment. Living that way is like living in darkness. God does not want that for you, and you should not want it for yourself either. Be patient with me as I share with you the five ways to love someone who is difficult to love.

Prayer: Whenever you pray, pray for the ones you dislike and resent. If you are struggling to love someone, strive to pray for them daily. Tell God how you feel about the person, but also ask God to bless them, touch them, heal them, and be with them. I tell you, it is almost impossible to continue to hate someone you are constantly asking God to bless, protect and prosper. Praying for the hated ones can soften the hatred. 

Be Honest With Yourself: The saying that no one is perfect includes you and those who hurt you. That no one is perfect means that from time to time we are going to step on each others toes, say things that will hurt the other, and behave in a manner that will be reprehensible to others. Tell yourself the truth that just as someone has offended you due to the person’s imperfection, so also you have offended someone else due to your own imperfection. Think about how you would want to be treated and then treat others the same way.

Forgive Often: It is hard to forgive the people who hurt us, but if we don’t forgive them, we will become bitter, angry and resentful. Mark this! You won’t be able to love someone you are bittier and angry with and resentful of. The first step is to forgive and then gradually move yourself to the place where you can begin to feel comfortable to love them again. 

Strive to know people’s story: When it comes to judging people and blaming others, we are all doctorate degree holders. We are quick to judge people and quick to blame them instead of taking some time to understand their stories, background, experience etc. and how those may be impacting them at present. A lot of people have issues, deep issues. So, be patient with people. The reason why that person is upset with you whenever you mention Church or God may be that he or she is disappointed with God or Church for something that happened to them in the past. If you know their story, you may be more patient. If you understand their story,  you may be moved with compassion for them. Compassion for the other is the beginning of love.  

Not Everyone will be your best friend: During his earthly ministry, Jesus healed a lot of people and was followed by a great multitude, but when he wants to relax, rest, eat, pray, reflect, and debrief, he will settle with the 12 Apostles. So, loving someone does not mean that the person must be your best friend. You can love even difficult people by being kind, pleasant and respectful. 

Jesus wants the world to recognize us as his disciples by loving as he did. And loving as Jesus did includes difficult people and people who have hurt you. Check this out! At the peak of his pain, Jesus forgave his executioners. By loving difficult people and those who caused you pain, you fulfill the Lord’s commandment and become more like him.