How To Love Difficult People and People Who Have Hurt You

Rev. Marcel Divine Emeka Okwara

On Holy Thursday, at the Last Supper, Jesus gave his first disciples and those of us who would later believe in his teaching a new commandment: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.” He also added, “This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” But why did Jesus call his command to love a new commandment? Does the commandment to love not appear in the Old Testament? Do other world religions not command their adherents to love?  Surely, the command to love others can be found in the Old Testament and in other religions, but the difference is this, none of those calls to love others is based on anyone. Buddha never asked his adherents to love others as he has loved. Muhammad never instructed anyone to love as he has loved. Confucius did not tell his followers to love as he has loved. Laozi the founder of Taoism never asked anyone to love as he has loved. Only Jesus did! In Jesus and through Jesus, love became concrete and real. Jesus defines and demonstrates the true meaning of love, sets a new standard and also raises the bar of love. For him, love is no longer based on how much you love yourself. The old commandment was to love your neighbor as you love yourself; however, the new one, set by Jesus, demonstrated by Jesus, exemplified by Jesus, led by example by Jesus is to love as he Jesus has loved us. If you are asking the question, “How did Jesus love us?” take a look at the cross. Buddha, Muhammad, Confucius, Laozi etc. none of them died for the redemption of the world. Only Jesus did! That is why his command to love others is a new commandment. It is no longer a general call or an empty call that sounds nice and romantic. It is no longer based on how much you love yourself or how much you love Jesus. It is rather based on how much Jesus loves us. True love is sacrificial. Jesus invites us to love until it hurts. 

Jesus also wants his disciples to be known, recognized and identified as his disciples not simply because they go to Church often, (even though it is good to go to church) or have the appearance of being religious. The world should know you as a disciple of Christ Jesus not because you have a rosary or scapular or cross around your neck, but because you are a person of true love. Do not get me wrong! Nothing is wrong with wearing those sacramentals. I actually encourage Catholic Christians to have the crucifix, pictures of Jesus, Mary, and other holy persons on display at the walls of their homes. When they are blessed by a priest, they can ward off evil spirits. But our discipleship should go beyond all that. Be known as Jesus’ friend not because you carry a bible around but because you carry love around. Be known for love! Love should be the identity of all Christians. So, if you want others to identify you, know your faith, just love as Jesus loved. 

Now, when you hear the word “love,” what comes to your mind? Most of us think of our spouses, children, family, siblings, friends, good neighbors, and some of their colleagues at work that they have a good relationship with. We think of people who are easy to love, because they love us back. In the Gospel of Luke 6:32 Jesus says “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.” In the same Gospel, Jesus challenges his followers: “Love your enemies and do good to them” (Luke 6:35). It is not enough to love the people that are easy to love; we are also called to love those who are difficult to love, that is the unlovables. But how? How do we love those that we deeply resent? How do I love someone that has hurt me—whose lies cost me my job, my relationship, my marriage, my business? How do I love someone who raped me, put me in a family way, and inflicted me with STD? How do I love someone who has been so mean to me and who wants me dead? When I see him or her do I just pretend that all is well? Do I fake my love for them? 

Honestly, it is very difficult to love people who have done any of these or other harms to you. But I want to encourage you to try. Take a page out of Jesus’ book. Learn from him. Do not go through the rest of your life in anger, bitterness and resentment. Living that way is like living in darkness. God does not want that for you, and you should not want it for yourself either. Be patient with me as I share with you the five ways to love someone who is difficult to love.

Prayer: Whenever you pray, pray for the ones you dislike and resent. If you are struggling to love someone, strive to pray for them daily. Tell God how you feel about the person, but also ask God to bless them, touch them, heal them, and be with them. I tell you, it is almost impossible to continue to hate someone you are constantly asking God to bless, protect and prosper. Praying for the hated ones can soften the hatred. 

Be Honest With Yourself: The saying that no one is perfect includes you and those who hurt you. That no one is perfect means that from time to time we are going to step on each others toes, say things that will hurt the other, and behave in a manner that will be reprehensible to others. Tell yourself the truth that just as someone has offended you due to the person’s imperfection, so also you have offended someone else due to your own imperfection. Think about how you would want to be treated and then treat others the same way.

Forgive Often: It is hard to forgive the people who hurt us, but if we don’t forgive them, we will become bitter, angry and resentful. Mark this! You won’t be able to love someone you are bittier and angry with and resentful of. The first step is to forgive and then gradually move yourself to the place where you can begin to feel comfortable to love them again. 

Strive to know people’s story: When it comes to judging people and blaming others, we are all doctorate degree holders. We are quick to judge people and quick to blame them instead of taking some time to understand their stories, background, experience etc. and how those may be impacting them at present. A lot of people have issues, deep issues. So, be patient with people. The reason why that person is upset with you whenever you mention Church or God may be that he or she is disappointed with God or Church for something that happened to them in the past. If you know their story, you may be more patient. If you understand their story,  you may be moved with compassion for them. Compassion for the other is the beginning of love.  

Not Everyone will be your best friend: During his earthly ministry, Jesus healed a lot of people and was followed by a great multitude, but when he wants to relax, rest, eat, pray, reflect, and debrief, he will settle with the 12 Apostles. So, loving someone does not mean that the person must be your best friend. You can love even difficult people by being kind, pleasant and respectful. 

Jesus wants the world to recognize us as his disciples by loving as he did. And loving as Jesus did includes difficult people and people who have hurt you. Check this out! At the peak of his pain, Jesus forgave his executioners. By loving difficult people and those who caused you pain, you fulfill the Lord’s commandment and become more like him. 

Mother’s Day Sermon

Rev. Marcel Divine Emeka Okwara

St. Mary of Assumption Church, Whittier, CA

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Since October 15, 2014 when I lost my mother, Mother’s Day has always been a sensitive time for me. I believe it is the same emotion for many of you here who have lost your moms as well. Like you, I miss my mother so much. As a priest, it is harder for me because I do not have a family of my own. All my siblings are married. I know they miss our mother, but their spouses and kids have softened the effect of the impact. When the news of my mother’s transition was broken to me, one of the grief questions I asked myself severally was how I would be able to live, cope and deal with her loss as a man without my own family. It has gotten easier to deal with the loss as the years pass but it is still hard sometimes. God has since my mother’s departure blessed me with wonderful people. A few months after I came to St. Mary, a caucasian couple drove all the way from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to Whittier, California, just to be with me. I don’t know if you still remember them. May be not. The thing is that since they did not have a child together, they adopted me as their son. Ever since then, they have treated me like their own biological son. The saying that God provides is obviously true. Please, keep them in your prayers. Since last year, both of them have experienced a major health issue. But thanks be to God, they are still alive and thriving. Their names are David and Mary. 

As we celebrate yet another Mother’s Day, I want to talk about the seven different ways we can honor our mothers. I believe there are more ways to honor them, but due to time constraint, I am going to concentrate only on seven:  

Unconditionally Love Your Mother: No matter how your mother carries or carried out her maternal responsibilities, your own responsibility is to love and care for her. Nothing she has done or said to you will ever wipe out the fact that she is still your mother. Sometimes mothers have their hands full, which causes them to react harshly to you. Put those experiences behind you. The Book of Leviticus 19:3 says, “Each of you should honor your mother and father…” Love your mother because God has placed her in your life. 

Forgive Your Mother’s Shortcoming: Mothers are human beings too. They are not perfect. Like everyone of us, they are not always going to get it right. So, if you think your mother was hard on you, didn’t say kind words to you, didn’t love you the way you expected her to, may be after your father left her or died, she remarried and moved on with her newfound love, and placed you under the care of her sister, as we celebrate Mother’s Day, I urge you to forgive her— whether living or dead. 

Be Proud Of Your Mother: No matter what your mother looks like, be proud of her. Even if she can’t speak good English, be proud of her. Ability to speak good English is not always an evidence of knowledge and wisdom. If your mother is not technologically savvy, be proud of her. If she did not receive enough formal education, be proud of her. She may not have a college degree, but I tell you, she does have a doctorate degree in life experiences. She has a doctorate degree in being strong. She has a doctorate degree in many things. When you were little, your mother was able to look at you and discern correctly the meaning of every tear you shed. Each time you cried, she was able to know what you wanted and what was wrong with you. Be proud of her! 

Be Attentive To Your Mother’s Need: From infancy, a child is used to taking from his or her mother. So, it can be easy to forget that mothers too have needs. From time to time, consider what your mother might appreciate. As she grows older, she may need assistance for her physical or emotional well-being. You know, for some mothers, all they desire is for their children to express gratitude by way of being attentive to them. Do not abandon your mother. Even after you are married, stay in touch with her. Never allow anything or anybody to disconnect you from your mother. Mother’s life matters!

Live Well And Upright: The greatest gift you can give to a godly mother is to live well and upright. Since we are all Christians, be conscious of God’s presence in your life. Be conscious of your relationship with God. Your relationship with God will be marked and defined by how you live your daily life, what you say and do, how you treat others, how much God matters to you. The bottomline is this: Give your life to Christ Jesus. Even a mother who didn’t live well or who was not a Christian will definitely want her children to live uprightly and will no doubt take pride in a child whose life radiates love, kindness, sacrifice, and charity.

Daily Pray For Your Mother: As a Catholic Christian, prayer should be important to you. So, when you pray, talk to the Lord about your mother. Pray for her privately and in her presence. Surely, praying for her in her presence will always remind her that she is important and loved. 

Do Not Forsake Your Mother’s Teaching: The Book of Proverb says, “Listen, my child, to your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” Many of you have heard me talk about my mother’s wisdom and teachings. They inspire me. Strengthen me. Encourage me. And help me keep moving forward. Those wonderful lessons you learned from your mother can help you through life. We are used to hearing the question, “What would Jesus do?” But there are times when the question, “What would mom do?” will be proper as well.  

To all the mothers here, I commit you into the loving hands of God. I thank each of you for participating in the miracle of birth. May God bless each of you. If you are experiencing sickness, any kind of sickness, I pray for your healing. If you are suffering from broken heart syndrome, I release the anointing power of the Holy Spirit, our Comforter to comfort you. Whatever it is in your life that you struggling with right now— loss of spouse, child, friend, etc. may you experience the power of the Resurrection in Jesus name. Amen